Tribune Staff Satirist
HARLINGEN, Texas - Declaring his city a complete and utter mess, Mayor Chris Boswell today told story-hungry reporters gathered at Las Cazuelas Restaurant that he plans to seek City Commission approval for a return to 1958. "I've no other option," the mayor said as he quaffed beer from a bottle of Lowenbrau, his favorite brew. "Too much is happenin' in town and, well, we can't seem to stem the tide of cancerous rumors, outright lies and humiliating criticism aimed at me and other city leaders. We didn't have that in 1958."
Boswell then tugged at a white cloth draped over an easel he had at his side, revealing the photo you see above this story - a photograph he says shows a representation of what will soon be the new look for the city's downtown.
"I've asked Police Chief Danny Castillo to get rid of the cruisers and buy some horses," the mayor went on. "And we'll want every resident of Harlingen to draw on their attic clothing for the appropriate period costuming. It's all we have left, folks. It's all we have left..."
Harlingen's recent woes surely came from some voodoo one of his political opponents dropped on the city, Boswell theorized in explaining an avalanche of bad news that has befallen the community so far this summer. Castillo, at the mayor's side and nursing a bottle of Corona, said he agrees with the idea of turning back the clock to a quieter time in the star-crossed city's history.
"I plan to order uniforms for our cops from a general store in Dodge City, Kansas," the chief said. "We will sell our police car compound and buy an old barn - with stables - for our men. I expect every officer to accept the plan, to buy better boots and spurs and puffy shirts and white cowboy hats. And we won't be the Harlingen Police Department anymore. As of Monday, I am the Town Marshal and all police officers will be deputies. To take it a step further, I will legally change my name to Wyatt Castillo, in honor of Mr. Earp. Harlingen needs to get back to the basics of life, as Waylon Jennings might say..."
According to Mayor Boswell, controversial City Commissioner Kori Marra, the object of biting criticism from local Bloggers, plans to don the Miss Kitty, of Gunsmoke, look. "She's with the team," the mayor said about that. "She's a go, too. We talked about it over at the saloon and it was either Miss Kitty or a schoolmarm, and Kori went with Miss Kitty."
Boswell laughed when asked about City Commissioner Robert Leftwich, the man many here say will eventually replace him as mayor. "Here's hoping Robert falls in with being Festus," the mayor said, his laughter sailing to the swinging saloon door only he could see. "Yeah, and Jerry Prep could come as Hop Sing of Bonanza, 'cause he's really Leftwich's coolie. Ha ha ha."
As a waitress swooped in with the check, Chief Castillo feigned a choke attack and someone said someone do a Heimlich on the chief and Boswell turned to see what the Hell was wrong with Castillo, who sank to the wooden floor like a sack of pinto beans. "Get up Danny," Mayor Boswell said tersely. "Get up! I'm covering the check!"
And with that Castillo rose like a La Placita drunk ordered to his feet by a cop, told a photographer for the Valley Morning Star not to publish the shot and dusted his pants before police Lt. Miryam Anderson took him by the hand as Boswell beat feet for the exit.
Outside a giant fan rolled to the intersection of Tyler and the Expressway, where it would be positioned to blow dust toward the downtown area. Behind it rolled 12 large trucks carrying loose sand and gravel and dirt. All of it, Boswell had said, would bring Harlingen dustdevils of the sort the city enjoyed in the 1950s.
At the nearest streetcorner away from the monstrous hangar fan, a resident stared blankly at the city employees setting-up the contraption. Seconds later, the skinny man's toupee was sailing off to his right, into the path of a passing 1958 Oldsmobile's tires...
- 30 -
11 comments:
I always admired Miss Kitty and how she remained ever faithful to the handsome but celibate Matt. Of course there was that huge mole, maybe that was the reason.
ANON:...Yeah, Miss Kitty was special, to her town and her time. I remember one Gunsmoke episode in which a 3-legged dog walked into the Longbranch Saloon, sat at the end of the bar and asked for a bottle of whiskey. "What brings you to town?" Miss Kitty asked the dog. He said: "I'm looking for the man who killed my paw." Loved those old westerns... - Editor
Well you re right Chief Castillo eats breakfast at las cazuelas on Saturday mornings. The detectives eat there every day breakfast. Your article is satire ofcourse. The Mayor is way to fat, he needs to get on a diet.
And Chief Castillo is kind of Skinney.
The poor city of harlingen, is lost, with derection everyone is looking at each other, and no one knows where to go or what to do, city hall ought to close shop and have a big city party.
ANONS:...Best joke we've heard in years we heard recently in Harlilngen. A chunky woman is walking her dog and she runs into a drunk on the same sidewalk, walking toward her. He says, "Nice pig you got there!" The chubby woman begins to scream at him: "It's a dog, not a pig!" The drunk stops, wipes his mouth and says, "I was talking to the dog!"... - Editor
(Well you re right Chief Castillo eats breakfast at las cazuelas on Saturday mornings. The detectives eat there every day breakfast.)
Actually, in law enforcement lingo, they're called "freebies".
ralphy
LOL, LOL, I don't know about the cops in Brownsville but the cops in Harlingen most of them are on the Hefty side.
San Antonio has some pretty big hefty cops, some of the lady cops in Harlingen are kind of hefty to.
It seems like all they do is eat, I wanted to challenge a police officer on a 100 yd. race at work. But I changeed my mind, heck, he might give me a ticket.
Most of the people in Harlingen are just as fat, I have seen Korry M. and she too is over weight, well I have enjoy the conversation, but now I must leave this dreaded town of Hgn. Going back to college to San Anftonio.
ANON:...Well, enjoy San Antonio. It has its own good & bad, as well. But you do know that you can still read us in Bexar County, don't you? Check in from time to time. We may just treat you to a full-blown story on the RGV's physically-eccentric residents. Ha ha ha... - Editor
(but the cops in Harlingen most of them are on the Hefty side.)
Donut shops, IHOP, Denny's, Whataburger,taco bell, Beto's...... and on, and on, and on. Wherever you see a fat cop enjoying some food, you'd better know, that it is because all restaurants offer them "freebies". Believe me, I know, used to be one.
ralphy
ALL:...You know it was earlier this year that Mexico City put is fat cops on a strict diet. Of course, cops in the Mexican capital have a cafeteria, where they are fed. Still, the portions of the oh-so-rich Mexican food were reduced markedly. There is something very wrong with a community's law enforcement force when their appearance is so lacking a standard that everyone notices. The next time you see a fat cop scarfing down his free food, stare his ass down. We are against any grown man accepting free food, as our readers know... - Editor
Yep, instead of going forward we are going backwards. By the way our illustrious mayor has been absent from the Commission meetings.
Probably having a few cold bruskies somewhere at las Payas, I hear thats where they hang out after Commission meetings, or at least thats where some of the Anglo Commissioners went.
Kori, as Ms. Kitty, I don't know, Kori is okay, but she isn't no Kitty Russel. Good entertaining post. (All of your writers are very good.)
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