For The Falstaffian Mayor, An Up & Down Day on The Witness Stand...

By RON MEXICO

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - There was the stoic mayor on the witness stand, making his case and repeating his defense in a weird appearance born out of charges connected with the mayor's odd desposit of a $26,000 check belonging to someone else. There he was in court yesterday, telling jury members, "I didn’t take the check. I didn’t steal the check."

Mayor Pat Ahumada is charged with three felony offenses. He is expected to see the charges resolved in a jury rendering sometime today.

It was yet another high-profile Rio Grande Valley politician dressing up for trial. And there was Assistant District Attorney Michael Martinez prosecuting the popular mayor. Martinez wasted little time in painting Ahumada as a man with a perfect motive for cashing the City of Brownsville check belonging to a vendor: money woes. Prosecutors unfurled official documents indicating Ahumada awaited funds from a $70,000 home equity loan, a transaction delayed due to the mayor's delinquency on property taxes. Perhaps more comical, the prosecution noted Ahumada had spent about $6,000 of the $26,139 deposit.

But, as with all legal dramas, there were those rising for the defense.

Defense attorneys Ed Cyganiewicz and Star Jones listed a litany of financial arrangemnts the mayor had in effect with a variety of lenders. The mayor, they said, has lines of credit at several banks, overdraft protection, and family and friends with substantial financial resources. Ahumada served up an anecdote to substantiate his credibility, saying local attorney Ernesto Gamez had loaned him $40,000 on a “handshake.”

Cyganiewicz posed another scenario: “Somebody at City Hall made a mistake. The (bank) teller (who took the mayor’s deposit) made a mistake. The mayor made a mistake...but he’s the only one here.”

The annals of political weirdness are fat with stories where the facts seemingly point to unquestionable guilt. They are also fatter with stories where the real story never came out. A traditional police investigation will hit the usual buttons and obtain the usual information. This check story seems to be in the latter column. The mayor's claims of innocence sound plausible, and the prosecution's bent on using the barest of facts seems convenient, in essence a quick-easy courtroom victory, or hang him...and hang now.

This was no sinister plot. It is true that the mayor cannot claim he was not aware of fact No. 1: that the check was made to someone else. His financial problems are believable, but not damning. The matter about him spending $6,000 is an expected action. Most people will spend money they believe they have. So, did he steal the check (money)? Theft, it would seem, goes to him taking it willfully. Testimony indicates someone at City Hall gave him the check.

Prosecutors have made the case for Ahumada depositing the check. And they have presented witnesses to say that he did that. But theft? No. There is no evidence the mayor "stole" the check.

True justice: The money is forwarded to the city's vendor, if it hasn't been done already.

Political hay should not be part of this story. No one died, no one was hurt. A mistake was made and a mistake was rectified. Ahumada was never going to keep the money. City administrators would have been able to track payment of the check; that is, whose bank account it went into...

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[EDITOR'S NOTE: A jury hearing this case has found Mayor Pat Ahumada not guilty of all charges...]

MORNING COFFEE: Awake In The Era Of Losers...

By PATRICK ALCATRAZ

Editor-In-Chief

BROWNSVILLE, TX - In this the Season of Insanity, we pause from the graceless rage to note a few things about our politics, namely the Republican Party's refusal to die and, in Cameron County, a sprinkling of laughable Democrats fully believing image - and nothing else - is king. On the latter point, we speak of Mssrs. Ernie Hernandez and Ruben Pena, perplexing candidates for the Cameron County Commission.

In an earlier post, we noted the significance of health care reform, and we said it was a good thing that the federal government again turned its attention to the citizenry, helping Americans battle rising - and lack of - medical care. Now, it seems that even though Congress appears to have done its job of approving the measure, Republicans are vowing to do the ridiculous to overturn the legislation. A handful of so-called red states (Republican) have sicced their lawyers on the federal government, howling plans to fight it in the Supreme Court by way of a misguided belief that the new law is unconstitutional. Nevermind that it is, in its concept and packaging, a carbon copy of legislation that led to Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid.

Among the states doing this is Texas, its wheelchair-bound Republican Attorney General Greg Abbott, safely cocooned thanks to taxpayer-funded health insurance, leading the charge. It is a pathetic display of stupidity, but there it is. Republicans shown the path to Waterloo by President Obama and the Democratic-controlled Congress are rabid. In a way, it substantiates the belief that Republicans do not care about the whole. They could live with all non-Republicans leaving the country. Perhaps it's time to wave adios to this cabal of malignant cancer.

These red states will go nowhere with their lawsuit. Republicans will pull their hair from here to the November elections, threatening to target those who voted for Health Care Reform. They will unfold brainless Sarah Palin (she of the Canadian health care program) and Rush Limbaugh (he of the drug addiction) and John McCain (he of the lovely health insurance Congress avails him) and a few others. But it is for naught. It is as a popular GOP pollster put it yesterday: Health Care Reform is a stunning defeat for the party. And all that yelling , posturing, racism, tea partying? None of it could stop a law whose aim is benevolent, a mark of our desire to help ourselves for once in the last 50 years.

Now, about Mssr. Ernie Hernandez, the Demo candidate for Precinct 2 on the Cameron County Commission. This is a politician whose public service road has come to a dead end. The four-term city commissioner is floating spiffy flyers that make him appear to be a worthy candidate. His past, however, betrays him. Nothing can paint over his controversial years as a city commissioner. He has zero for the county populace. There is not just an empty promise here, but an empty suit. The Hollow Man is not one to support.

And, as much as we damn Mssr. Hernandez's candidacy, we must note that his opponent, Harlingen lawyer Ruben Pena, is just as woeful. He, too, seems to want to run from his professional history. These are strange times, yes, but not that strange that we cannot see through the stained drapings that front both of these campaigns. For the county citizenry, these two are the worst of times and, well, the worst of times.

Oh, how we wish that Mssrs. Hernandez and Pena rolled under the GOP banner. They'd fit in nicely...

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CANDID CAMERA: In One Frame, Telling Photo Defines Cameron County Judge Carlos Cascos...

By JUAN MO-TIME
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - In one of Bob Dylan's more-attuned songs, he sings about someone having it in for him, someone "planting stories in the press." The song is Idiot Wind, and it works nicely as soundtrack for pretty much every political campaign known around here.

It's not hard to feel the blow as it leaves a campaign and makes its way across the land. The sloganeering is familiar, as are the roadside signs and the campaign literature. You bet, I will do so much for you, it all says. And when the score is tallied at the end of every politician's term, the red side of the ledger always wins. Little is noticeable from today's Brownsville when compared to the city of twenty years ago. That stretch of new businesses along the highway and past the mall is more a sign of population growth than political accomplishment.

You could take a camera to that part of town and compare it to one of, say, 1992 and not exactly be blown over. The Downtown District has not changed, and we speak of Elizabeth Street and its busy, yet decaying neighboring counterparts.

But the photo that stands as sweetheart legacy to Cameron County Judge Carlos Cascos is the one shown atop this story. That's Cascos seated next two Republican U.S. Sen. John Cornyn, shown in his despair-white hair on the left. If ever there was a shot symbolic of Republican doings in South Texas, it is that languid photo of Cascos in full-lounge with a senator who is no friend of the Mexican border or of Hispanics. In fact, he's said to be actually proud of it, which makes us wonder whether Cascos, a rare Mexican Republican, somehow looks up to this Tower of Babble.

Cascos awaits two Democrats doing battle early next month. The winner in a race featuring former Do-Nothing Mayor Eddie Trevino and lackluster County Commissioner John Wood will face Cascos in the November election. Looking at the contest solely from a political perspective, the difference between all three is as thin as surgical wire. Trevino is favored to beat the hardly-energized Wood in the party contest. Cascos is said to be biding his time, formulating some sort of high-road, non-offending campaign suiting his sublime personality.

At stake for the citizenry is leadership in county government, always a pretentious idea, but never a winning one. Too many caudillos have held that post for Cameron County citizens to feel as if they are voting for a special candidate with a new vision, or a different, better way of doing things. On the contrary, the historical rolls of recalcitrant county judges is full of forgettable names, forgettable from the standpoint of controversy, shenanigans and ultimate defeat - defeat either against other candidates or against the governing task at hand. Cascos rode into office after a few years of horrible administration by former County Judge Gilberto Hinojosa. Perhaps he can claim a certain serenity that followed Hinojosa's reign.

Too bad there is no photo of that...

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MADRE!: The Good Friends Of Ernie Hernandez...

By PATRICK ALCATRAZ

Editor-In-Chief

BROWNSVILLE - A swirling ill wind moved in from the southeast, turning the day's afternoon into a dusty vista of the sort that said winter was fast-fading toward Nova Scotia. In the corner of the small cafe, there at an old wooden table adorned with salt and pepper shakers, a plastic flower rising from an ancient, dirty vase and along a wall plastered with economic art splashing scenes of the Mexican Revolution, sat the hopscotching politician Ernie Hernandez.

He was waiting for a newfound friend, someone who had climbed aboard his campaign wagon, someone who would rile the masses into voting him into yet another office - this one Precinct 2 commissioner for the county. The opponent was that dastardly Ruben Pena, the Harlingen attorney he thought was not fit for the job. Antsy, Hernandez fiddled with a copy of the day's newspaper. He would read a bit and then glance over the top of the page, to peek toward the door, to look for his friend's arrival. The campaign was unfolding like a new magazine, pages seemingly glossy and pretty, nice on the eyes. In his mind, Hernandez believed he was already way ahead of his opponent.

"Jesus, I can hardly wait for Election day," he told himself, as he read a story about people losing weight.

Across the dining room, an elderly Mexican couple sipped coffee and played with hefty plates of carne guisada. Occasionally, they would look his way. "They know me, of course," Hernandez said to no one. "I am that famous in town. Pretty sure they've seen my face and name in the newspaper, on TV." He nodded in their direction and again looked to the door. Outside, cars moved up and down the street, north and south, drivers off to do who knows what. A big truck rumbled by and Hernandez said that's it, that's my campaign right there - a powerhouse on the move.

For minutes that seemed to stretch to no end, he leafed the pages of the newspaper, waiting on his ally. Need that guy. He knows the ropes. He can get me where I want to go in politics. No one else cares. That fuckin' Jerry McHale is killing me, stomping me, sucking the shit outta me, on El Rocinante. Bastard! Wouldn't take an Ad from me. I'm paying big bucks. My guy is doing it. What eva. Hernandez lifted his coffee cup to his mouth just as he heard the screen door open. There, there was his only friend. The day would end nicely. I'll be able to sleep tonight. My pal will rag and drag my opponent into quitting the race. I have a firecracker in my backpocket with this guy. Ha ha ha.

And then Juan Montoya walked up and sat down...

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WORKING IT, BABY: Brownsville Female Cop Hustles 12 Men Out of Freedom...

By ANGELO MARGARITA
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A sexy female Brownsville Police Department officer was forced to work four long, long hours as a prostitute in a downtown sting that netted a dozen sex-happy dudes. The hardly-covered undercover lady cop has not been identified, but a source inside the force tells this reporter she looked worn-out, haggard and beat feet straight for the department's jacuzzi.

In hooking the 12 sex-hungry Batos, the BPD assigned 10 officers to conduct the surveillance/arrest operation, dubbed by local wags as "Operation Puro Pedo."

Sanctioned by Chief Carlos Garcia, no relation to Barney Fife, the female cop donned her sleezy duds and took sexual positions along the 600 block of 13th Street, biding her time by doing what prostitutes do when not talking smack with prospective customers - ah, biting her nails, arranging her underclothing, waving, smiling, wishing she'd gone to law school.

According to cops, the 12 sex-starved fools were charged with one count of solicitation of prostitution. All posted bond and presumably went home to cry. A spokesman for the police department said 10 different automobiles carrying 12 different men approached the female officer during her 4-hour shift.

The going rate - from the client's perspective anyway - for sex was in the range of $20 for oral sex (mouth on penis or mouth on vagina) and $100 for sexual intercourse (missionary, spoon, doggie). Among the doofusess arrested was a Cameron County Detention Officer and an employee with the Brownsville Independent School District.

No word on whether the cop playing the part of the street prostitute would, in real life, have drawn the twenty for a backseat BJ or the hundred for the Around-The-World acrobatics...

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[Editor's Note: Angelo Margarita also writes about Brownsville crime for Alarma! Magazine of Mexico. He resides in Olmito.]

NEW CALL FOR SPANGLISH: Ben Neece Takes Rienda of Libertarian Party. Ha Ha...

By RON MEXICO

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Spelling never has been a strength for anyone in this pinche town. There was that gente at that fried chicken joint on the highway posting this on its marquee last week: Now Hireing. And there were those obreros at that llantera on E. Boca Chica Boulevard that offered tire alighments. Geez, Louise. Oh, and how about today's Brownsville Herald?

There's that story by periodista Emma Perez-Trevino, shown in photo above, writing about some Libertarian Party appointment. Well, it reads like this on the newspaper's website: Libertarian Ben Neece has taken the reigns of the Cameron County Libertarian Party, highlighting an alternate choice amid what he said is an increasing discontent of Democrats and Republicans with their parties.

He has taken the "reigns" writes Perez-Trevino, reportedly the daily's crack reporter. The reigns! Reins maybe, Emma?

Que wild. May we suggest that Emma strike out for all-out Spanglish. Neece tomo la rienda, eh? Que fiebre! Ay, amor, amor...mi cabeza se estrella. Si, mejor mejora Mejoral!

Sounds much better, and the imagery fits the culture, well, like a guante...

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In Cameron County, An Image Conundrum For Candidate John Wood...

By JUAN MO-TIME

Herald-Tribune Political Writer

HARLINGEN, TX - Who is John Wood, and why is he wanting to become the next county judge? Is he phlegmatic, choleric, sanguine or melancholic. Our readers wanted to know. We wanted to please them.

And so we were dispatched here by our editor to get an idea of exactly how this northern sector of Cameron County sees Candidate Wood in his bid to unseat incumbent County Judge Carlos Cascos. The responses were wacky, tacky and, at times, even Riki-Tiki-Tavi.

"I suppose he's a melancholy kinda dude," said resident Javier Elizondo, a shoeshine man at the local shopping mall off Highway 83. "But, look, I don't know the guy. I have no idea what he looks like or what he wants to do or has done. But I'd go for melancholy based on the sketch possibilities you just showed me."

The enigmatic Wood, still facing party opponent Eddie Trevino in the Democratic Party primary run-off next month, may never get a shot at the sublime Cascos. Still, he endures the race, its day-to-day nothingness and its occasional flare-ups. Run-offs, someone famous once said, are like kissing your aunt and your aunt expecting some serious tongue-action. So far, conventional wisdom has Trevino, a former mayor of Brownsville, mopping the floor with the older Wood before croc-wrestling Cascos in the Main Event later this year.

"Yeah, I'd go with the last cartoon - the melancholy one," said Barbara Ochoa, a customer at the Jardin Cafe, a popular eatery/bar. "I've heard of Cascos, but never of Wood. Is he kin to Tiger Woods? - No, that's Woods, right?"

Seated at the bus station waiting on a bus back to his home in Silver City, New Mexico, Bernardo Ceballos said he, too, would select the melancholy pose to depict John Wood. "I read the Blogs and I've followed the crazy politics around here. My cash is on Cascos, although Trevino is said to have an army of politiqueras at the gates. I'll be checking-in via the Internet."

Then there was a strikingly attractive woman who declined to give her name, but offered this: "Wood seems to possess some sort of weird vibe, like he's coming back from the 1920s or 30s. It's sorta spooky to look at him. He reminds me of some Charles Dickens character. Perhaps he should have gone into the movies. County government for him? Naaaaaaaaaah."

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In Town, Talk Of Historical Designation...

By COSMO INFANTE

Special to The Herald-Tribune

BROWNSVILLE, TX - I remember it was the night Mexican boxer Pipino Cuevas got his ass kicked by some Black guy whose name I forget. Maybe it was the leather pusher Aaron Pryor, or maybe it was the Motor City Cobra Tommy Hearns. But who cares? Pipino bled like a knifed thug, and Mexico cried for weeks.

Cuevas faded into oblivion. And all I know is that I caught the whipping inside The Palm Lounge here that fateful night, when the joint was packed with noisy, fight-hungry Mexican fans from both sides of the Rio Grande. It would be a scene I'd not see again until Alexis Arguello was beheaded by the same Aaron Pryor in a Las Vegas deguello. Arguello's English was never the same after that beating.

What is pretty much the same these days is The Palm Lounge, a downtown watering hole known far and wide along the harsh Texas-Mexico border. Mention its name in Rio Grande City 60 miles to the west and you get raised eyebrows from the women and wild laughter from the men.

The Palm Lounge is barely a 220-yard dash to the rusting international bridge that takes you to some 5,000 other border cantinas that will blow your mind. But that's another story somebody else will have to tell. I like to amble into the Palm Lounge on any night featuring a major sporting event, like Lucha Libre from El DF, heavyweight boxing, the Super Bowl or El Mundial, the mania also known as world soccer.

The Palm is not exactly a sports bar in a Big City sense. The mirror in the men's room of any Dallas beer joint is about the same size as The Palm's sole television's screen. For the architects, it houses a neat bar running half the length of the floor and back there near the rear one finds a few billiards tables alongside the jukebox, where farmworkers and other day laborers do their best to forget about buying new Ford T-birds and laying a woman without bad teeth.

Then there's the jukebox. Ah, the jukebox! Rolling Stones. Shakira. Beatles. Mana. Phil Collins. Jose Jose. The Troggs. Los Tigres Del Norte. Garfunkle. Los Bukis. A guy could go international quickly just listening to the tunes. "It's what makes us Mexicans and Americans," said a heavyset customer who gave his name as Gilberto "Me Entiendes" Mendez. "The Mexicans play the Mexican tunes and the Mexican-Americans play The Stones, etal. But, you know, I don't give a damn, so long as the music is on."

Built on street corner for sure 50-60 years ago, The Palm Lounge is this poverty-stricken border town's answer to the press club most anywhere else in the United States. "Every reporter who wrote for the Brownsville Herald in the eighties got soused at the Palm Lounge," said local wino Johnny "Te Explico" Federico, a retired Cuban shrimper and well-known gadly. "I knew most of those guys and, let me tell you, many of their crazy stories were born after a few brews at the Palm."

He goes on: "You could sit there with those guys - McHale and Susan Crixell, Montoya, Guevara and Robbie, DP-M, Crowder, McLanahan, Schroeder, Doyle May, Reddel, Urban, Fieg - and hear exactly what they'd be writing in the next day's paper. Man, what a time it was..." The Palm Lounge lives in its past, yes. There are clues, and there are the sounds of yesteryear. If you have any point of reflection; that is, if you've ever been there...you'll see and hear things you'll think you've lived before. It is quaint and it is magical. It is an institution and a memory-maker.

"There is a movement afoot to get historical designation for The Palm Lounge," said another resident wearing a grease-stained Manuel's Body Shop workshirt. "We'd like to see that happen, yeah. What else we got, dude? - the friggin' playhouse? The train depot? That frickin' cemetery where the high school kids go get laid at night ever since they closed Boys Town in Matamoros? The Palm Lounge is Brownsville! There's nothing else, Bato..." I plunked my share of quarters in the jukebox and drank myself silly waiting on some beautiful celestial virgin to mosey in and ask for me by name.

It never happened. I spotted six or seven physically-eccentric women moseying in looking for their men, but no knockout in a black mini and red pumps out to kill the night with a three-hour sexual marathon over at the Alligator Motel. But, then, that's not what The Palm Lounge is about, any swinging Galan in town will tell you. The meat markets are elsewhere.

You can get broads in any of a hundred other local public hangouts, like while applying for a job at the employment office. You can buy it afterhours along some alley, or you can talk some smack to some boozed-out broad and get it for free. There's spirited talk about such rack action at pretty much every booth and table inside The Palm Lounge. Even from the old goobers, who'll spin tales of sexual conquests that would make Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt dizzy...

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For Candidate Argelia Miller, A Long, Hard Climb...

By RON MEXICO
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Upset City is a neat phrase favored by those who follow sporting events, held in reserve for those special moments when combatants collide and the planets re-align. Such a stunner is what local resident Argelia Miller hopes to spring on Brownsville Navigation District Board President Carlos Masso in the upcoming election for Masso's seat.

For Masso, an assistant district attorney and owner of a few suits, his is still a relatively warm seat, although Miller's bid is not unlike the one Masso launched when he won the office as a novice. Miller has never held elected office, yet she is the opinion that Masso has some liabilities.

She wonders how Masso can draw benefits from two pubic entities, his salary from the D.A.'s office and travel perks from the BND. It is, to be fair, not the race of the century in county politics, but it is a contest set to brew its own recipe for either a landslide victory for the entrenched Masso (shown in photo above) or just enough of a dust-up campaign from Miller to make things interesting. For the moment, Miller is working on defining her campaign and issues she expects to bring to the forefront. Insiders say Masso appears not to be worried about the challenge.

"Transparency," Miller says readily when asked why she seeks the office, noting the disaster that was the infamous $21 million boondoggle associated with a proposed international bridge that never was constructed. Miller sees Masso as a linchpin between the BND and the office of Cameron County District Attorney Armando Villalobos, Masso's 9-to-5 boss. It was Villalobos who investigated the bridge mess and ultimately drew a $1 million settlement from the BND. Miller is still fuming from the D.A.'s decision to keep the million instead of funneling it back to the BND operating budget, a sentiment shared by many familiar with the dynamics of the probe.

As was the case during her unsuccessful bid for a seat on the Brownsville City Commission last year, Miller says her effort will again be a grassroots campaign, one not beholden to any one interest group or political clique...

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For Heartless Republicans, The Sky Is Falling...

By PATRICK ALCATRAZ

Editor-In-Chief

BROWNSVILLE, TX - We have our moments. Sometimes, we are a great country. One such moment came yesterday, in Washington, D.C. of all places. Health Care, that often whipped two-word phrase that bamboozled insular Republicans for the past 18 months, arrived as if a baby fighting like crazy to get through the birth canal.

At last, citizens of this great land have the same shot at dependable health care that members of Congress have had for many, many years. Yet, already, the GOP is flashing forth its rallying cry for the November elections: Repeal and Replace the legislation pushed forth by President Barack Obama and the Democratic-controlled Congress. Not since similar battles were waged by Republicans against Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid has the country seen one of its political parties go bonkers. At the height of the closing during last night's vote, one Republican - Randy Neugebauer, representing a district that includes Abilene and Lubbock - was heard to yell "Baby Killer!" as Congressman Bart Stupak, a staunch anti-abortion Democrat, sided with the president's plan to bring health care reform.

Why is it that everytime we seek to help the overall citizenry - many children and elderly in this case - we as a country seem to want to say we're not interested. It is easier to approve billions of foreign for, say, Israel than it is to pass legislation that helps Americans. It is easier for Republicans to wage war - how many billions spent on Iraq? - than to help Americans. One can only wonder what exactly it is that Republicans want.

The charge from the GOP faithful is that all of this is Socialism. Well, we do have a society, and why shouldn't government help its own people in a time of need? The vote in the House of Representatives yesterday was 219-to-212 in favor of the health legislation. No Republican voted for the measure, not one.

The Texas delegations had all but one Democrat (out of 12) voting in favor of the legislation. The lone dissenter was Chet Edwards, who serves an ultra-conservative Waco area district. South Texans Henry Cuellar, Ruben Hinojosa and Solomon Ortiz voted for the measure. All 20 Texas Republicans voted against the bill.

Yes, it will cost money. What doesn't? But this is not about building a Bridge to Nowhere or funneling Pork projects to influential politicians (you listening, Republican Trent Lott?) or funding Boeing for yet more unneeded airline tankers or paying some questionable Afghan pol to help us whip Al-Qaeda in the mountains of that country. Yes, funds should be dispensed for all that, but not at the complete expense of helping the citizenry whenever possible.

Our roads are cracking, bridges are tumbling, Wall Street has gone rogue, the Postal Service and Amtrak are pathetic...and still we play politics. There are some proposals that help the whole, which is something that for some reason so annoys Republicans. When a party opts to oppose everything, it threatens to make itself irrelevant.

We are a fractured country with huge problems that only begin with unemployment, corruption and a war whose conclusion is anybody's guess. The Democrats are labeling Health Care reform as a huge victory.

Why are there no shouts of joy in the streets? A ragged section of the national tapestry has been repaired. The crazy side of this is that such opposition surfaced against Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid, and, now, the question many Americans would not want to answer is this: Where would we be without Social Security or Medicare/Medicaid? The technology advances made during the past 25 years have been astonishing, but the essence of American Life is as soiled as it's never been. Yes, there always have been social problems, but what nation can fly proud when it full-well knows that many of its people are living in poverty, starving, have no jobs and cannot even see a doctor when sick.

.

Government is not the answer to everything, and we are not advocating Socialism, yet we cannot help but think that the government we fund ought to look inward every now and then, look inward and want to help its people...

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BOREDOM HITS TOWN: Angry Locals Blame Tad Hasse & Everybody Else...

By JUAN MO-TIME

Herald-Tribune Political Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - An opinionated group of residents gathered at a cafe here last night, looking for answers to explain the current gloom hanging over this falling southern Cameron County community. Elsewhere, Tiger Woods ruled the airwaves, the world awaiting his return to the golf course. In Ciudad Juarez, Mexico, it was a torrent of questions to do with the weekend assassinations of three Americans. Here, the palm fronds soft-swayed to the ennui that is the race between hopscotching politician Ernie Hernandez and ho-humming Harlingen attorney Ruben Pena for the County Commission Precinct 2 seat.

"It could be we're suffering from election lag," said 42-year-old Hortencia "La Que Se Fue" Lara, a Southmost housewife munching on a plate of mole enchiladas inside Lucio's Cafe in the city's downtown district. Next to her was her younger boyfriend, who said he was blaming it all on the "totally boring campaign" waged recently by local Tad Hasse against incumbent County treasurer David A. Betancourt. "I still have Hasse's poster (shown above) in my room, there next to one of Tony Romo and one of Jennifer Lopez. But I'll be taking it down soon."

The Hasse poster, Baltazar "El Colchon" Uribe went on, is being sold at area flea markets as collector's items.

"They're selling for like ten bucks, man," he said as a wafer-thin waitress swooped in with a pitcher of coffee. "I saw one on Ebay selling for $25. They're saying Hasse's campaign stood out by how he campaigned, which was not to campaign. That is rare around here. I don't know one person in Brownsville who met the guy. He never went to Southmost or Las Prietas, is what my friends who live there have told me."

Hasse has not surfaced much publicly, at least not in a way to make news.

It's hard to say whether Hasse is to blame for the boredom hanging around town. "Nope, it's not his fault," said Gogi "La Boca" Fuentes, another of the group sipping on super-sized bowls of menudo at a nearby table. "I blame everybody, not just any one guy. The mayor is to blame. The county judge is to blame. The city manager is to blame. The college is to blame. The 14th Street bars are to blame. The chupacabras are to blame. El Rocinante is to blame. Commissioner Atkinson is to blame. My frickin' postman is to blame. My fat, fat obnoxious neighbor is to blame. We're all to blame..."

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At The Starting Gate, Opportunistic Candidate Hernandez Poses as Belle-Of-The-Ball...

By JUAN MO-TIME

Herald-Tribune Political Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - He is reviled in many, many quarters of his homeland, but Ernie Hernandez, the latest in a long line of giddy hopscotching politicians, is off to a predictable start in his race for Cameron County Pct. 2 Commissioner against attorney Ruben Pena. He has fired the first "put-down" salvo with relish, quickly branding his opponent as a tax scofflaw not to be trusted, which, coming from Hernandez, is really weird.

The former city commissioner and oft-candidate for danged-near everything is these days breathlessly relaying news that Pena owes county entities in excess of $10,000 in back taxes. Say some: Does that alone erase Hernandez's dubious public service record? In his latest political advertisement, Hernandez notes that he is "current" on his taxes. Okay, one for Hernandez. But the man's entire ledger also must be up for review.

Hernandez has enlisted the for-hire advocacy services of Blogger Juan Montoya, who dutifully posted an Ad for Hernandez and subsequently wrote a story damning to candidate Pena. It was, as the much-whipped Jews like to say, blatantly obvious that Montoya was serving as Hernandez's gunslinger. There has been nothing about a looksee at Hernandez's record in Montoya's Blog, ElRrunRrun. Perhaps tomorrow, eh Juan?

The contest is really drawing attention, but not in favor of either of these candidates. What the citizenry is asking is this, "Is this the best we can do?" It isn't even sundown and the best-looking women haven't even arrived, yet Hernandez has cavalierly offered himself as the Belle Of The Ball. As our leader, DP-M, likes to say in moments like this one: "Como diablos?!"

Hernandez will ride Montoya and then Montoya will ride Hernandez before the people of the precinct begin hating the entire cheap cartoon and switch channels. This race, say observers, does not move local progress one millimeter forward. "The best step Hernandez could take for this county is one toward that boarding gate on a flight leaving Cameron County for that land of Wannabes - Parts Unknown," said a city employee who requested anonymity. "Hernandez is toast, and has been for years. I know and he knows, and we all know, that he can never again win an election for a city position. He is what they call in breakfast cafes...a bad pancake."

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MEIN BROWNSVILLE: One Day In The Life Of An Annoying Bordertown...

RON MEXICO

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - The other day, while dining at a local Tex-Mex cafe with my new wife, I ran into a complete moron, of which we are beginning to find out this town is full of - as in one at every streetcorner, and we don't mean the female cops playing at prostitutes.

No, what annoyed me was a slacker waitress slow on re-filling the chips basket.

One of my favorite phrases here along the Mexican border is: "...mas chips!" To date, the waitresses have been good at complying with my request. It's one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten-steps to the kitchen and ten back to my table and - voila! - I get my chips. For my salsa, you see. I'm a chips addict from the early 1980s, when my younger days found me chomping on chips with my dates over at Leonardo's Mexican restaurant on Central Boulevard. Leonardo would welcome me with his usual, overly-accented, "Ah, mi matador!" He had some fantastic waitresses who are likely dead by now, proper women who knew their trade, who kept the glass full of drink, the beer bottles moving, and the chips coming. I usually ate about 50 chips at dinner time, every one of them dipped in this or that spicy salsa. Hmmmm. Oooo-la-la. Chips! Mas chips!!!

It's just who I am. But this story is about things that annoy me in town. Here are a few more:

1.) Women ahead of me at the ATM machine who get $10. What's that all about? Can't women handle a hundred dollars in their purse? It irritates the Hell outta me. To the point of saying, "Hey, lady, you better count that cash!" Ha ha. I always get these soulful looks, as if they're trying to tell me that's all their husbands allow them to get.

2.) People at my coffee shop who bitch about the newspaper. Why frickin' buy it if you're gonna complain? One man last week: "Hey, lookit this shitty story on Page 1. How can they put this dogshit on the Front Page?" Easy. They trained for months and months. It's now automatic. Stop whining. You ruin my coffee.

3.) Idiots at the Post Office. "I want to mail this box to Honduras," says a short and stocky man who looks like a true-chump. "Twenty bucks," he is told by the lifer clerk, a sad-faced man who has premature ejaculator written all over his face. He will be a no-nonsense postal service employee for that reason alone. "Twenty dollars?" asks the customer. "Yes," returned tersely. "When will my wife get it?" Clerk: "Three-five business days." By next Tuesday? "It's Friday," notes the annoyed clerk. "Three or five business days may mean next Friday." Customer: "Whaaaaaaaaat?" I shake my head. Morons have won the battle. They will outlive the cockroach. I get my one stamp and paste it on my envelope. It's a birthday card to my ex-wife. We have an okay relationship, so...

4.) People who ask me why I write. "What are you writing about now?" asked the woman at the social. "Novel," I say. "Oh, is it about you?" No, I say, it's invented. "Oh, come come, my dear man. Every novel has something about the writer," she shoots back, playing with the spaghetti straps on her sexy black dress. I shake my head. "What's the plot?" she goes on, smiling and smiling and smiling and annoying me by the second. I tell her it's about a guy who balls just one time in his life, who says it's all that's expected of a Man, that God has told him he doesn't have to ball after that if he doesn't want to." Wild, she says, sounding stupid. I move to the bar. She follows and says, "That book sounds like it's about you." I lie: "Lady, I musta balled 10,000 broads by now." She goes all-nervous and drifts away, glancing back like a praying mantis to look at me every-six five steps. The silk dress makes her look totally gripping, inviting. I tell myself she's closing-time material. The moon always circles.

I'm sure there are at least five more things that annoy me, but we'll have to catch-up next time...

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POLL: Atkinson Voted Worst Public Servant, Garcia Second, Villalobos Third...

By JUAN MO-TIME

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A week-long Herald-Tribune Quickie Poll has rendered controversial Brownsville City Commissioner Charlie Atkinson as the Worst Public Servant in the county, with polarizing UT-Brownsville President Juliet Garcia placing second.

The results follow:

D.A. Armando Villalobos
6 (16%)

City Comm. Charlie Atkinson
18 (48%)

UT-B Pres. Juliet Garcia (shown in photo)
7 (18%)

Mayor Pat Ahumada
5 (13%)

County Treasurer David Betancourt
1 (2%)

The results are not scientific, but merely a reflection of our voters' feelings during the past week...

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For BND, It's Time For Musical Deckchairs...

By Lloyd "Bridges" Rosales

Special to The Herald-Tribune

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Few people outside the world of container freighters and tired-to-the-bone longshoremen grasp the day-to-day doings of the gray and boring Brownsville Navigation District (BND). Why anyone would want to serve on its board is a mystery. Those familiar with the operation say it is nothing short of a heap of bureaucratic mumbo-jumbo that must be overseen and tracked in a manner more like administering a sprawling federal prison than a shipping port.

Yet, here they come again, as Dolly Parton might say.

The latest race for commissioners of that body are on the field and ready to do battle. Two incumbents - Carlos Masso and Martin Arambula - have drawn fire in the form of energetic, but inexperienced opponents. Masso's struggle will come against Argelia Miller, while Arambula has two candidates out to take his place, namely someone named Luis Melendez and the peripatetic Moses Sorola.

The vote takes place in May.

Mrs. Miller, you may recall, launched a bid last year for a seat on the Brownsville City Commission, but tasted defeat at the hands of rosy incumbent Edward Camarillo. Sorola lost in his effort to unseat City Commissioner Carlos Cisneros, a triumph that came to newcomer Melissa Zamora in a knockdown-dragout fight. Sorola distinguished himself by being a sore loser, his petulance in full alert after suffering the demoralizing defeat.

Masso burst out of nowhere from his Assistant D.A. highback chair at the District Attorney's office to win his current seat, a leap so strange for a lawyer more used to courtrooms than docks that it drew a deluge of "What's he up to anyway?" from disbelieving citizens seeing a strange conspiracy in play.

Melendez, himself, comes from the minor league's leftfield. A warehouse and forwarding company businessman, he offers who knows what other than a desire to win election. In a write-up posted on ElRrunRun.com, the ever-whining Sorola again whipped-out at Commissioner Zamora, telling Blogger Juan Montoya this: "If we had known that Melissa was going to enter into a consulting firm with a vendor doing business with the city, we would have gone after her, too. We were so busy dealing with Cisneros that Melissa came in through the back door." That would seem to have been enough for Sorola to know the political door had been slammed on his face.

Miller's unsuccessful run at the city commission post is said to have brought her an immersion course in vote-getting. A veteran of the U.S. Air Force, she portends well for any office she wins. Miller may not be Othal Brand or Eddie Lucio as a campaigner, but that's a positive.

It's early in the game, yet Sorola's giddy camp believes Arambula's ties to Corpus Christi pol Solomon Ortiz may help their cause. Like many in the county, Sorola wants answers from Ortiz and Arambula on the one pocketbook issue that totally exasperates this part of South Texas - the infamous $21 million lost in a mess of a project to do with a bridge into Mexico. The bridge project never happened and those in power never offered an explanation.

When it ventured into the scandal under pressure from the angry citizenry, less-than-enthusiastic County D.A. Armando Villalobos nosed the dynamics of the deal and declared he'd found no criminal wrongdoing. And then, as if some cold-hearted carnival game-handler giving a kid a small price for his troubles, he happily announced a $1 milllion settlement from the BND. To this day, few here are satisfied with the BND's part in the bridge mess.

What change newcomers such as Miller and Sorola might bring is anybody's guess. Miller will arrive with a conscience the BND desperately needs and Sorola's temperament may just be enough of a sparkler to kick-over a few executive chairs belonging to BND's management...

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ON DEATH: The Era Of The Graceless Ending...

By ROBERT FINGERGOOD
Special to The Herald-Tribune

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Death always comes without grace, whether it be the demise of a sickly grandmother who's fought the good fight, whether it is a thug who's had his brains blown out during a drug deal gone badly, whether a brave soldier back from a war no one could ever justify.

Dying has dropped in value. Where once it was venerated, it is now largely ignored. Who wants to go to the next funeral? No one. Death and dying carries no cache, no value. Perhaps we have been softened to the point of digust by the many, many images of death we see today. It is as if we've been deemed unsuspecting bystanders, oglers without a care. Drop that loser to the street curb, let him moan and bleed to death. He was worthless to society. He was a drug pusher, his own mother acknowledged grudgingly.

We go on to the next meal, the next TV show, the next sleeping pill. The flag-draped body comes home. There is a solemn photo in the newspaper. The next day, there is a photo of a new restaurant on the same page. Death is best quickly forgotten, for who wants to wallow in deep thought about it?

A young couple was murdered in Mexico last weekend. The killing made national news. It will be forgotten when the new baseball season starts in two weeks. A young couple felled by the bullets streaming out of a machine gun being carried by drug operatives. Goodbye, Columbus...

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Under Attack From Drug Thugs, The Mayor of Reynosa Moves To McAllen...

By Patrick Alcatraz

Editor

McALLEN, TX - The mayor of strife-torn Reynosa, Mexico has taken refuge in this South Texas town. Reeling from months of drug-war lawlessness that has engulfed his Mexican bordertown, Oscar Luebbert Gutierrez decided the time had come to move his wife and children across the border.

Luebbert recently explained that he sees nothing wrong in making the move, noting that he still spends most of his days in Reynosa and commutes via a helicopter to and from the Reynosa Municipal Palace. Lubbert Gutierrez, a member of the opposition PRI political party, has a home only blocks from the Reynosa City Hall. And he insists that he sleeps there from time to time. But most of his sundowns and overnights are spent some 12 miles north in McAllen, where, he added, his wife owns a home.

At present, he is overseeing a community tired of wanton gunfighting between members of the Mexican Army and those of the Zetas and Gulf Cartels. In steady however-muffled growling, citizens of the once-popular Mexican tourist town have taken to branding their government - local, state and federal - as being cowardly, unwilling to take-on and defeat the drug pushers and thugs that presently rule the streets and neighborhoods.

Luebbert Gutierrez (shown in photo) blames the government of President Felipe Calderon, a member of the PAN Party. The bloody warring that has consumed proud Reynosa has not abated. Almost daily, reports surface of gun battles as vicious as any between fearless armies of opposing nations. Grenades fly through the air like water balloons, is how one shoeshine boy put it the other day.

For Luebbert Gutierrez, the solution is elusive. He has no firepower to speak of. His city's police department is outgunned and outmaneuvered by the criminal element to the point of comedy.

"The Zetas are trying to gain territory," said a Reynosa resident familair with the mess. "They have taken to winning the hearts of the citizenry by giving money away. We hear that they will stop at a traffic light and, if you honk your car's horn, they will step out and menace you. If you wait calmly, they will leave their vehicles and walk over to hand you 500 pesos (about $50)."

The Gulf Cartel seems just as benevolent. Their vehicles are emblazoned with the letters CDG (Cartel Del Golfo) and are quite visible throughout Reynosa. About this, Luebbert Gutierrez could say nothing, resigned to merely shake his head. Asked about the voiced characterization by the citizenry that Reynosa is a ghost town after sundown, the moving mayor said he had heard such a thing, explaining that everyone recognizes that it is dangerous in his city these days.

And, he made it a point to add that the very governor of Tamaulipas also owns an expensive home in one of the more exclusive subdivisions of the City of Palms...

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ILS SONT PARTI!: Miss Brownsville Herald-Tribune 2010 Contest Off & Running...

By RON MEXICO
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - You'd have to meet her in person to get the full explosion of her beauty. And to listen to her is to hear the music of Eden. When Miss Brownsville Herald-Tribune 2010 contestant Ana Nancy Grimaldo talks about emotional feelings, it sounds as though she is saying "fillings," the simple word left to float in the air, like one of those sexy come-ons you see in the movies.

"I take good care of myself," she says during a Sunday afternoon picnic with this reporter. "I once heard that it's not how you feel, but how you look...that makes the difference. I find that to be so true."

The 26-year-old beauty is a native of Brownsville, having attended schools here and even playing on the soccer team at Porter High School. Today, she is minding the growth of a 3-year-old son and continuing studies toward her bachelors degree in business administration. That's her serious side.

"Most weekends, I party a bit, although not much," she went on as a pair of egrets flew northeast. "Getting a reliable sitter is not easy in this town. But being out at the club is how I met (Herald-Tribune Editor) Patrick Alcatraz. He's the one who told me I should compete for this beauty crown."

Asked what she looked for in a man, Ana Nancy said, "Total and complete fidelity. I do not cheat while in a relationship. I want my Man to be a Man, not some bumbling, self-centered idiot, and there are many of those in this town."

Any man in her life at the moment? "Well, he did tell me not to say anything about that."

"Patrick Alcatraz?" we asked, kinda knowing.

"He's such a dear, dear man," she said, sexy laughter trailing the words. "I'll just leave it at that, okay?"

We could hear her mumble something she would not repeat, but it sounded like, "Wouldn't want Patrick to not call me again." The rules of the contest stipulate that Herald-Tribune employees are not to get involved with contestants, so we know - and can report with absolute certainty - that Alcatraz is not currently seeing this aspiring business entrepreneur. Asked where she saw herself in 10 years, Ana Nancy quickly said, "Running a successful business and bringing jobs to this poor, poor town."

For the moment, however, she is working on climbing this particular mountain...

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Miss Brownsville 2010 Poses Nude, Gives Up Crown Reluctantly...

By RICARDO KLEMENT

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Days after she was named Miss Brownsville 2010, local paralegal Gilma Liz Esparza resigned her crown following revelations that she had posed nude in neighboring Mexico.

"It's true," she said during a nice, easy-going chat with this reporter at Tacos El Campeon. "But it wasn't my idea to give up my crown. The city manager called my apartment and said he needed to talk with me. I figured it had to do with some official appearance, like at the Gladys Porter Zoo or something, but he said he had come for my crown. Devastated? Hell, yeah!"

Ms. Esparza, an employee of Matamoros attorney Ishmael Palafox Perez, is shown in photo taken during an all-afternoon session with a promotions photographer hired by the city. The photos, said a source at City Hall, were to hang all over town, at the airport and at the mall and at a jillion other locations. She readily admitted that erotic photos of her had been published in Mexico's version of Playboy last summer. Ms. Esparza said the city manager had a copy of the magazine when he arrived at her place. In those photos, she is cavorting on the beach in Acapulco and, in subsequent pages, she is shown wearing see-through underwear. "I have a gorgeous bod," she noted. "WTF!"

The crown now goes to distant runner-up Martha Alicia Molina, a leggy employee of the University of Texas-Brownsville...

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THE BIG FEAR: Law Enforcement Waits On Certain Mexican Attack...

By RON MEXICO

Herald-Tribune Crime Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Antsy law enforcement officials unwilling to face the Fear Card are nonetheless gearing-up for a terrorist attack from Mexican drug thugs, a source told this reporter late last night. "City cops here and in other towns of the Rio Grande Valley are scared as all-Hell," we were told during a conversation at a local hotel bar full of good-looking chicks. "They're scared like sonsabitches that something like the 14th Street bar strip here will be hit, with grenades and automatic rifle fire, or maybe the new, always crowded Entertainment District in McAllen."

It is the emboldened drug pushers currently warrring in the Mexican bordertowns along the Rio Grande that has SWAT teams on Red Alert, with communications between the South Texas towns now a top priority. But questions have surfaced surrounding the ability of the Texas outfits to fend-off the crazy, drug-fueled Mexicans, said our source.

"Imagine a collection of SUVs carrying these drug dealers armed to the teeth and circling our downtown district, just mowing our citizenry the f**k down," said the well-hipped female officer. "We're not ready, is all I have to say. We're not ready, and no one is worried about it. It will be our frickin' 9.11, a day no one will want to claim."

Police chiefs from Brownsville to Rio Grande City upriver have poo-poohed any assault from Mexico, saying the Mexican drug pushers would be stupid to mount an attack on the Valley. "They know we'd retaliate with full force," said one chief who asked that his name not be used in this story. "We have as many grenades as they do, as many rifles as they do, as many officers as they do. It wouldn't be pretty, and it would be bloody, but guess who would win - us!" Mayor Pat Ahumada is said to have his military uniform clean and ready. As the city's Commander-in-Chief, Ahumada would lead the local force, with County Judge Carlos Cascos at his side.

A contingency plan has RGV law enforcement agencies massing at the levees in a sort of Maginot Line, with officers set down only yards apart, their rifle barrels aimed at Mexico. One source said he expects some 25,000 Valley residents would be killed before the attack would be pushed back with aerial bombing and, flame-throwers and tank assaults.

"It could start with one grenade lobbed into a crowded bar," said our source as she sipped a Tom Collins while the house band played a song by Sting. "It could blow up into some sort of Chicanoe Armageddon..."

- 30 -