EH, BATO!: Killer Of Bun Deliveryman Throws Himself At Mercy Of English...

By RICARDO KLEMENT

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A local man accused of killing a crooked bun deliveryman was sentenced to 45 years in prison yesterday, but not before he annoyed the judge for more than an hour. It was, said his attorney, "a classic case of the dumb not knowing the meaning of the word."

And that is exactly what angered the judge.

When asked if he had problems with substance abuse, defendant Juan "El Pato" Jimenez said: "What is substance?"

When told he would be going directly to prison without the chance for parole, Jimenez began looking around like a fool before asking the judge, somewhat loudly, "Eh, parol? Que es parol?"

As he was being walked out by sheriff's deputies, the goofy-looking prisoner was heard to say, "Where am I, ese?"

Jimenez was arrested earlier this year after a month-long manhunt following what police said was the cruel, merciless killing of bun deliveryman Henry "La Concha" De la Rosa. Authorities told reporters at the time of the murder that De La Rosa was selling buns to the Black Market, specifically operators of low-end burger joints. At the time, Jimenez owned Lonches y Legumbres - a flea market snack stand serviced by the victim.

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COMO DIABLOS!: Eavesdropper Woman Drops Roses, Panties On Stunned Editor...

By RON MEXICO

Herald-Tribune Crime Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Just when you think a story has ended, here comes another blockbuster angle to throw it up against the wall. It never fails in border romance, and nothing - not a damned thing - ever surprises anymore.

Maria Nalely Tamez, the 28-year-old American living in Matamoros and fighting through a strange affliction that has her checking into area motels to eavesdrop on other guests, has told our editor she is in love with him. It is a wild and wicked turn-of-events, said numbed editor Patrick Alcatraz.

Late yesterday afternoon, Ms. Tamez shocked office staff by ambling in to deliver a bouquet of flowers and a box containing a pair of lacy black panties. Alcatraz, a single man known to chase pretty women, shook his head, saying he thought it was time to call the fuzz.

"That chick is nuts," said his secretary, the buxom Gloria DeAnda. "You can tell by looking at her eyes. It's like she can see nothing but Mr. Alcatraz. To me, she is dangerous."

In a perfumed note accompanying the flowers, Ms. Tamez penned: "I get a certain tingle in my body just imagining things with you. May I have the next dance, sir?"

Alcatraz posted a security guard at the entrance to the offices, although he made it clear he would speak to the woman if she showed-up and wanted to see him.

Ms. Tamez's connection with The Brownsville Herald-Tribune began earlier this week, when the media outlet published a photo of her with an ear to a wall inside a motel room. Later, she would tell the newspaper she does suffer from a mental disorder that has her doing such things, blaming it on an unfaithful ex-husband she caught with a prettier woman at the Alligator Motel in Brownsville.

The photo above was included inside the box of roses...

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Fashions of The Illegal Aliens Rile Locals...

[Photo by Joe Hermosillo]

By RON MEXICO

BROWNSVILLE, TX - There are a few hundred bon bons here who actually believe they are hip; that is, they speak English and shop for clothes in cosmopolitan McAllen upriver, where the stores offer better store aromas and goods.

Now, they claim their town - this one - is looking like one huge Illegal Alien labor camp. "The fashions of the illegal aliens are killing us," said resident Romeo "El Analfabetico" Salas, a high school graduate employed by the popular Valdez Tire Company. "Man, it's like every freakin' alien has found his or her way to our Mervyn's Department Store. I can't get shirts there anymore!"

Others say that is simply part of living so close to Mexico. Matamoros is ascloseasthis to Brownsville. And it is true that you see everybody wearing the same sort of baggy jeans, ballcaps and shoes. For the women, it is a choice somewhat demanded by the harsh weather extremes, yet there are striking similarities between what Illegal Alien women and local women wear, said pop-anthropologist Homer "El Calcetin" Zavaleta, a portly, bearded border scholar familiar with fashion trends.

"It's just the symbiotic relationship we enjoy with Mexico," he said this afternoon. "This too shall pass."

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Eavesdropping Woman Visits With Brownsville Herald-Tribune Editor...

By RON MEXICO

Herald-Tribune Crime Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A woman spotlighted here earlier this week for fighting through the strange afflication of eavesdropping on motel guests visited the offices of The Brownsville Herald-Tribune last night to meet with Editor Patrick Alcatraz and work through the "unwanted hassles" the publicity has brought her.

"I am not some ditz who should be laughed at," said 28-year-old Maria Nalelly Tamez, an American woman currently residing in neighboring Matamoros, Mexico. "I simply wanted to give Patrick a chance to meet me in person, to let him see that I am not some slobbering idiot."

According to Ms. Tamez, she has been mourning the end of her marriage to a man who repeatedly cheated on her. And she acknowledged that much of her divorce filings centered on evidence she collected of her husband's heterosexual and homosexual dalliances by way of the eavesdropping. Her lawyer, Ishmael Palafox Perez, had earlier threatened to file a lawsuit against this news outlet. But after Ms. Tamez's grandmother came forward to denounce the Matamoros lawyer, the contrite attorney called the newspaper to apologize and say he was no longer representing Ms. Tamez.

"We had a nice, pleasant conversation," said Alcatraz. "She explained her situation and we now understand that she needs to resolve those issues not in the press or in our office, but perhaps with a psychiatrist. Ms. Tamez is a lovely lady, much more beautiful in person than in the photo we published."

As she left, Ms. Tamez, wearing an attractive, sleeve-less blue blouse, said she was "taken by his charm," referring to our playboy editor. She is shown in photo above as she walked out of the editor's private office...

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LA BLOGA NOSTRA: News, Views And A Mission For God...

By RON MEXICO

Herald Tribune Crime Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A novel Blogging troika grew closer to fruition here last night, following a lengthy meeting at a noisy jukejoint during which editors of this site and ElRocinante.com and ElRrunRrun.com hashed-out a working agreement designed to avail this troubled bordertown a dependable, 24-hour news network.

"It's pretty much a done deal," said ElRrunRrun's Juan Montoya. "My only concern was territory, and I struck out for Southmost and Las Prietas as key for my site. Of course, politics is everybody's playground, so..."

As planned, ElRocinante.com would grab the arts and border culture and pornography.

This site will seed the taller trees of information, delivering unbiased, unabashed news for the community at large. Said Patrick Alcatraz, editor of The Brownsville Herald-Tribune: "We like our share of the pie, and we are okay with seeing those areas-of-interest sought by the other two go to those sites. We have no interest in, say, porno, or in any sort of bashing. Other than that, we're aboard the train."

The trio, accompanied by a solid phalanx of security at the 1-2-3 Lounge's Maria Felix Ballroom, used their three-hour meeting to coordinate other aspects of their effort. Sports will be the bailiwick of ElRocinante's editor, Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully,a dedicated follower of fashion and all-around sports fanatic.

All will work under a new corporate umbrella, to be registered with the State of Texas as Great Guns, Inc. ElRocinante's curvaceous P.R. staffer, Monique Molina, will serve as secretary for the trinity. A covey of residents will be selected to serve on the group's Editorial Board, with Montoya assigned the task of enlisting new Bishop Daniel Flores and McHale-Scully asked to persuade the head of the city's taxicab union. The board will be comprised of three men and three women, none with an axe to grind. Alcatraz has promised to bring one of his female friends to the board.

"We're done here," he said as the meeting closed and the well-hipped waitresses moved in with the booze...

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UPDATE: Grandmother Angry At Motel Eavesdropper's Lawyer...

By JOSHUA COFFMAN
Special to The Herald-Tribune

MATAMOROS, Mexico - The grandmother of a woman afflicted with the strange desire to overhear adjoining-room conversations in area motels has lashed out at her granddaughter's lawyer, saying he himself has been unfaithful to her and adding that she has proof of the 28-year-old woman's mental disorder.

In a wide-ranging morning conversation at a cafe here, 86-year-old Georgina Guadalupe de Flores (shown in photo above) labeled threats made to this media outlet by the attorney for Maria Nalely Tamez as being "stupid, misguided and toothless."

In a letter to The Herald-Tribune, local Attorney Ishmael Palafox Perez threatened to file a defamation lawsuit on behalf of his client, saying he thought a "disservice" had been done to Ms. Tamez when it published a photograph of her leaning on a motel room's wall.

The woman's grandmother said she reeled at hearing about the lawsuit and decided to come forward to "add fuel to the fire." She said she has evidence that her granddaughter indeed suffers from the bizare addiction. "After she found her then-husband with that pretty woman at the Alligator Motel in Brownsville, Maria Nalely went into a deep depression," the pleasant grandmother told this reporter. "She cried a river, and then I thought she was over the whole thing when she came up to me, laughing, and said, 'I am the one who invented crying-yourself-to-sleep.' But then came the motel visits and they haven't stopped."

The evidence of the affliction, she went on, is in stacks of filings her granddaughter submitted to the court handling her divorce. "Nalely wrote it all down for the judge," the grandma said. "She told of how she rented the motel room next to the one where her husband was with that other woman, about how she put her ear to the wall, and about how she heard every groan and moan. She even said she thought the two fell off the motel bed during sex...and that the woman kept saying 'Give me more! Give me more!' It was pretty graphic, so that lawyer doesn't know what he's talking about."

Indeed, she said Palafox Perez himself had taken her grandaughter to a motel room. The attorney said this about that: "We were there 15 minutes tops, and it was me wanting to know exactly how she'd listened-in on the goings on in the next room. As her lawyer, I needed to know that." The grandmother said it was more like three hours. "I was parked across the street!" she said. "I saw her come out fixing her short skirt, with her hair all-tussled, like she'd been, well, active. He was smoking a cigarette as they walked to the office to drop-off the key. Investigative, my ass. He's a charlatan!"

Maria Nalely Tamez has been incommunicado since this story broke. A telephone call to her apartment rang and rang and rang and rang and rang and rang, but no one answered...

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[Editor's Note: Free-lance writer Joshua Coffman resides in Matamoros. He is a former middle-manager at a border maquiladora. This is his first article for The Herald-Tribune...]

WORLD EXCLUSIVE!: Brownsville Seeking Dog As Town Mascot...

By LEON BROWNBONE

Herald-Trib City Hall Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A move is underway to declare some dog as the official Town Mascot,a source close to City Hall has told this reporter. "They haven't thought it out all the way, and there is no breed leading the pack yet," said a municipal employee who requested anonymity. "But, as we say around here, the rumor is walking the halls."

What also isn't known is which member of the City Commission is pushing the novel idea.

"It would be easy to say it's Mayor Pat Ahumada, since he's been a pro-dog backer for a few years," the source went on. "But it may or may not be him."

Brownsville's long-running search for a modern-day identity, away from the bandit border wars of the last century and the close association with Mexico, has driven more than one resident to throw ideas like this one into the wind. There's the proposal to bring a touch of New Orleans to a tourist district that, as yet, isn't there. Rumors that the city wanted to build a "Celebrity Cemetery" surfaced last month.

The search for a canine as symbol is not a common for municipalities. Most of the time it's the naming of schools and parks and streets that occupy the minds of elected city leaders. But the mayor has made stray dogs and pet shelters the cornerstone of his public service, leading some wags to both harrrrruumph and praise the proposal. Said one, a semi-attractive woman wearing a red-yellow sundress while shopping for groceries at a downtown store, "I'd go for a Lassie-type of dog, and I wouldn't want a pit bull, no. Too scary for me."

Another resident, a lanky, high-throated construction worker walking on Elizabeth Street toward a popular downtown bar, said: "I'd say the name of the dog would be the key. But leave it to these guys to name the mutt Pedro or Juan or Jose. You know, some name going to the local culture. Biff would be my name for the Town Dog. Biff, yeah. That sounds cool, don't it?"

The dog committee is said to have a meeting scheduled for next Monday, where commissioners will bat-about breeds and names. According to our source, the city is budgeting $2,600 for purchase of the dog. It would make public appearances with the mayor and march in the annual Charro Days parade.

"Someone said a dog with military experience would be the best," said a City Hall secretary. "You know, one that served with the boys in Iraq or Afghanistan. I believe we're seeking input from veterans and those kind of people. It would, of course, require a certified dog handler, an expense that would also have to be budgeted."

If approved, Brownsville would become the first city in the Rio Grande Valley with an official Town Mascot...

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CLEARED! Feds Say City Commissioner Atkinson Is No Jack, The Ripper...

By RON MEXICO
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - He is the butt of too many jokes to list here, but Brownsville City Commissioner Charlie Atkinson, it turns out, is not a murderer. Atkinson was cleared yesterday by his federal employer of any connection with a mysterious case centered on the supposed killing of a local schoolteacher.

Juicy as it sounds, the city's police chief is wondering what the crazy noise is all about, sounding as if someone is trying to pull a fast one on him.

An employee of the U.S. Customs and Border Protection, Atkinson unfolded a letter given to him by the agency telling him he has been exonerated of any participation in the strange 2007 murder no one in town knows anything about, not even the fuzz.

The Feb. 9 letter is signed by Michael Freeman, the agency's director for the Brownsville Port of Entry, and advises Atkinson (shown in photo) that, "based on the evidence provided in the investigation, management has decided that the allegation (of his involvement in a 2007 murder) is unfounded and no action is warranted. Please consider this matter closed."

No other details - about the alleged victim or the alleged murder - are given.

Atkinson claims it is simply part of a vicious serpentine conspiracy of harrassment that sprouted after he won election to the city commission in 2006, when agency officials sought to push him out of his federal job using its "conflict of interest" policy.

"They (CBP) chose not to believe me," Atkinson told story-hungry reporters, categorizing the accusation as being "ridiculous." Asked about the victim, believed to be a teacher with the Brownsville Independent School District, the commissioner said, "(The CBP) didn’t know (if the victim) was male or female. They really didn’t know anything about it."

As for the easily-annoyed local cops, no-nonsense Chief Carlos Garcia said it's all news to him, explaining that neither CBP nor Internal Affairs contacted his office to report either the crime or the investigation. The chief explained there were several murders that year, and it was his feeling that all of them had been solved.

"As far as anyone (federal officers) advising us of a possible murder involving Charlie Atkinson, none whatsoever," Garcia told the rabid press.

Atkinson vowed to keep pissing-off his bosses by keeping his elected position on the town council. "They will use any little thing to get me to either quit CBP or quit the city commission. I am not going to do either," he declared boldly.

A spokeswoman for the BISD said all teachers had been accounted for that year, and that an absence due to murder would have been noticed...

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The Curious Case of Maria Nalely Tamez...

By RON MEXICO

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A woman whose photograph was featured Monday on this Blog is threatening to file a lawsuit alleging defamation after being singled out for enduring a strange affliction.

Maria Nalely Tamez, a 28-year-old American living in Matamoros, tells us through her attorney that she indeed suffers from the bizarre malady, but that we erred in bringing her plight to light. Or as her lawyer put it: "You do her a great disservice by making fun of her problem."

The Blog has since removed her photograph from its popular Sidebar Offerings.

"That's odd," said Editor Patrick Alcatraz of the surfacing brouhaha. "The info we got came from her grandmother. It is our position, absolutely, that we merely complied with her grandmother's request that we disseminate that aspect of her suffering in hopes that a cure could be found. There was no malice intended, and we stand by our documented information."

Ms. Tamez (shown in photo accompanying this story) suffers from a mental disorder that has her checking into area motels to eavesdrop on people lodging in adjoining rooms. In the info supplied to this Blog, it was noted that Ms. Tamez's problems began almost five years ago after she caught her ex-husband with a more-attractive woman at The Alligator Motel on Central Boulevard. At that time, she checked into the motel and did listen-in on the adulterous lovemaking going on in the adjacent room, ear-scoping results that she used in her divorce filing, according to her grandmother.

In his letter, Attorney Ishmael Palafox Perez acknowledged that his client does visit motels from time to time, but that she "never has eavesdropped on anyone."

"There are times when weird noise happens and we, as guests of any motel, may approach the walls to listen-in on whatever may be going on, but who goes to a motel solely to do that? It makes no sense, and the grandmother was wrong to go to the press," added Palafox Perez in his courier-delivered letter to The Brownsville Herald-Tribune. "We indeed trust that you will consider my client's position and health in this matter, as well as in any future news stories you may be planning. Aflictions are not material for comedy."

A telephone call to the woman's grandmother went unanswered...

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TRINITY OUT TO SAVE BROWNSVILLE...

By ANGELO MARGARITA

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Meeting late last night in uber-guarded secrecy, overseers of this Blog and two others crafted the beginnings of what may soon become the city's Information Holy Trinity - a development that threatens to turn the world of local politics from its current "cartel model" into a new "no-corruption-in-my-backyard" landscape.

"It'll come to pass after a few issues are ironed-out," said Blogger Juan Montoya of ElRrunRrun.com, the community's award-winning defender of all things social. "We are pretty much on the same page. Look for an announcement real soon."

The other website, ElRocinante.com, is all for the proposition. "We have the guns and our women have the roses," said its editor, Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, as he and the others sat inside the Pancho Villa Banquet Room of the 1-2-3 Lounge. "Picture a truth-seeking posse hoofing it hard into town. Brownsville is going to be the middleweight boxer thinking he's in the ring with three guys, taking punches to the body from all sides."

"We're for the idea," said Patrick Alcatraz, editor of this website. "A three-pronged attack sounds ideal. Lord knows there are plenty of issues to cover in town. All that remains is some concrete agreement, and we're sure we'll agree to El Rocinante's suggestion that we sign the deal in Sicily. I like the imagery and significance of that, absolutely."

An announcement may come as early as later this week...

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In County Race, It's Two Blind Mice...

By PATRICK ALCATRAZ

Editor

BROWNSVILLE, TX - The electronic missive arrived in the afternoon mail, noting and explaining that perpetual candidate Ernie Hernandez indeed has what it takes to serve the populace as Precinct 2 commissioner for Cameron County. Hernandez, on an election losing streak, is on the mat against Attorney Ruben Pena for the post. Pena has his own problems.

It is one of those campaigns where hopeful voters have barely a glimmer of light to make a decision easier on which of the two to pick. This, we believe, is the equal of selecting either a well-known name bringing few ounces of accomplishment (Hernandez) or one with a string of questionable info surrounding his past (Pena). What's the citizenry to do now?

We are bothered by the many rumors and facts surrounding the Hernandez bid. There appears to be a stack of bad baggage following this candidate. Can he re-strap his boots and get to work for the people? Will he ever be able to rid himself of the slime that feeds those rumors, innuendo that has him gaining office only to better himself and his family? Is he a man for the century's second decade, or a man who belongs to the second decade of the last century? We think he has the machine to get some votes, but are of the opinion that Mssr. Hernandez's time has, sadly, come and gone.

Mssr. Pena, 61, is only the latest in a miles-long tapeworm of area lawyers who seem to believe that bookwork alone is enough to win any election in Cameron County. If only! Lawyers, as someone once said, are for lawyers, and that's the way it'll always be. To expect anything new and different (new and different in respect to the voters getting something out of the deal) is to dream the impossible dream. Indeed, this is what Pena has posted on his website: As a man with a strong work ethic, Ruben envisions a county government that delivers quality services efficiently and professionally. We ask: How many hundreds of local political candidates have used that road-tired phraseology? We stopped county in 1983.

This much is true: We are not - and never will be - in the business of endorsing political candidates. That's just playing into their hands, and, in this neck of the woods, those are grubby, grubby hands. To candidates, endorsements are validation.

But we would if a woman (a housewife with common sense these yokels do not have) entered the battle. Having to choose between Pena and Hernandez is the equivalent of choosing between an ever-angling calculated mind and an ever-miscalculating one. The oft-abused county deserves better. This is simply lowering the bar way too low. Only a dwarf Limbo dancer would know it was even off the floor...

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Japanese Man Brings Tacos To Brownsville

By RICARDO KLEMENT

Herald-Tribune Food Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - There's a new kind of foreign entrepreneur in town, and he's being roundly welcomed by sheltered residents not used to such things.

Say hell-o to Japanese taco trucks.

We spotted this one on N. Paredes Line Road Saturday afternoon and stopped in to chat with owner Johnny Kimodo, who told us he's been in the Rio Grande Valley only since last September. "I couldn't get a job," he said in crisp Japanese. "Like all new Americans, I looked around and found a niche. Japanese taco is good taco."

A steady flow of customers angled in from the street and a few even sat down in plastic lawnchairs Kimodo said he bought by the dozen at a local fleamarket. Said one customer in Spanish, a thin woman in her mid-30s with three rowdy kids in tow, "I really expected Japanese tacos. You know, sushi or something like that. But, no, I got fajita tacos."

Seated behind her were three city cops and two county deputies, all chomping away at platefuls of tacos and what appeared to be Navy beans. They kept their faces to the food, however, and declined to speak to this reporter.

In Johnny Kimodo's future? "A fleet of taco trucks!" he said loudly in his native tongue.

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Politiqueras Hit Beach For Strategy Confab...

By JUAN MO-TIME

Political Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Leaders of the loose-affiliated network of politiqueras stepped onto three rented vans here this morning for a one-day confab in South Padre Island aimed at framing their role in the remainder of the local political season. Among the activities was a seminar on the topic of face-up campaigning and image-building.

"We're thrown-in with people who take bribes and do work for candidates for cash, but it's not the case with all of us," said life-long politiquera Connie "Francis" Vela. "We try to get the press to look into our work, but reporters are stuck on the negative stereotype. Not much we can do about that, is there?"

Vela, leader of the Southmost cartel, and others in the group will also spend time preparing proposals for candidates still in the November general election hunt. Said Hortencia "La Mala" Deleon, of the Las Prietas network, "Someday we will get the credit we deserve. The only ones who thank us are candidates who get our aid and win. The people do not know that we often get stiffed by candidates when they lose, and there's no court that will listen to our complaints about that. So let's get over this holier-than-thou bullshit, okay? We provide a service; that's what we do."

The group planned to hole-up in rental property away from the beach.

"That's all we need - people seeing us as beach bunnies," added Paula "La Jalea" Salinas. "I wish I could take my bikini, but this is not about that. There will be time to party in December."

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DP-M Editorial: How Hasse Lost His Way...

By DUARDO PAZ-MARTINEZ

Special to The Herald-Tribune

SOUTH PADRE ISLAND, TX - Shades of the wacky 1980s! Not since a horrible, psyche-sapping stomping at the polls suffered by the editor of ElRocinante.com has a Gringo been whipped as viciously as Tad Hasse was in the recent Cameron County Treasurer election. The final vote was not kind: David A. Betancourt 11,462; Hasse 3,118.

Welcome to the Loser's Gulag, Tad. Those images will be on you for weeks, lad.

We would wonder what Hasse is thinking after his public mauling, but we'd guess he's taking a week off from his I.T. job for the city municipal court. It was a resounding defeat for Hasse (shown in photo), one any first-semester political science student would have predicted. Basing campaigns on gimmicks never works, and Tad's idea of eliminating the very position he sought rang stupid to the city's Mexican-American crowd. Eliminating anything in this culture is a black sword.

Mexicans would rather hoard than discard, Tad.

You never caught-on to the culture's way of voting. You never had a chance. When he sought the mayor's job back in the What-A-Time-It-Was Era, Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully at least had a winning slogan ("No Contributions, No Compromises"). You never got beyond saying you'd get rid of the job. The Mexican brain rightly asked: Then what, Tad? Then what!!! For that question, you had no answer.

McHale-Scully headquartered his doomed campaign at La Palma Lounge, where every drunken Mexican ambling in got a free beer and an earful from the good doctor. You took refuge who knows where. A litany of anonymous postings authored by you and posted in local Blogs is the sorry legacy of a campaign better suited for a Freshman Class popularity contest.

In the end, this was Foreman-Frazier, and all of us remember Joltin' Joe going down six times as George hammered killer jab after killer jab at Joe's bloody, blown-out face and head. David Betancourt will never again have as pliant a punching bag as you were, Tad. That, I'd say, is what likely pissed off the local Mexicans. The thing is they like to see all-out brawls, fights where blood springs in the first round and doesn't stop until one or the other humiliated fighter is carted comatose out of the ring.

In politics, you have to know the geography. You have to know that nothing pisses-off the Mexicans more than a guy storming into the ring like some bully and then merely taking a beating like a chump. Remember the words of Roberto "Manos de Piedra" Duran. On the night he was frustrated beyond belief by Ray "Sugar Ray" Leonard's better boxing skills, Duran turned his back on the kid and uttered his now-famous: "No más...No más."

Suggestion: Get a pair of boxing gloves. Put them on. And take a drive over to Southmost. There, honk the horn as you move down every block and wave those gloves at the luckless citizenry. But if you have any ideas of ever running for office again, well, do remember the words of noted novelist F. Scott Fitzgerald: "There are no Second Acts in America."

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County Race To Be Moving Cantina Brawl

By JUAN MO-TIME

Political Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - There's still the matter of the run-off between challengers Eddie Trevino and John Wood, but incumbent County Judge Carlos Cascos is fearing the worst in what many say will be a months-long campaign mirroring the disastrous events of that horrible day at Little Big Horn in the Dakotas.

"Already there is word that Trevino is up to his old, chickenshit tricks," said Cascos supporter Ronnie "The Sham" Zamudio, a local schoolteacher. "We hear sinister plots are being hatched by the minute, plots meant to embarrass Carlos Cascos."

Among the plans is a novel approach to campaign advertising: the Trevino forces, it is being said, are enlisting the help of Hollywood superstar Morgan Freeman to do the voice-over on their candidate's Ads. Some are saying candidate Wood is after comedienne Ellen Degeneres for the same purpose. It has left the Cascos camp wondering whether they should get their own "Big" voice. "James Earl Jones would be good," said another resident interested in returning Cascos to office. "I just don't want Erik Estrada, for some reason a favorite among some of our women."

Trevino is a former mayor of Brownsville. He is believed to pose the biggest threat to Cascos, a relatively calm man whose administration has largely done what's needed and nothing more. "Cascos has no dream," said a Trevino fan. "What has he done that's made our lives or our county better - nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilcho. Even if he got God or Tony Romo to do his advertising voice-overs, Cascos would still be boring."

The general election is still months away, yet the fray is front-center on the minds of the thousands of political junkies who call Brownsville home. At the 1-2-3 Lounge last night, a covey of boozers tossed chatter around a large round table about the race. Said one totally drunk patron wearing a UConn basketball jersey, "Cascos? Sure, he's okay. Trevino? Sure, he's okay. But more important than that is this: When are these bozos going to bring new jobs to town. I haven't worked since (Mexican crooner) Jose Jose was hot, and that was - what? - 15 years ago. It's been long, brother. Too long. Damned long..."

Among those endorsing Cascos is Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, editor of the sensationalist blog El Rocinante. It is unclear why he is doing that, but there it is. According to a source within the opposition, the Trevino camp will launch its assault on Cascos immediately after they dispatch Wood to the loser's bracket. "We're buying a $5,000 Ad on El Rocinante and we'll see who Jerry endorses," said Amelia "La Buena" Camposanto, an attractive and leggy fundraiser working for Trevino. "We think he'll switch his stripes, yes. I may have to get him out for a drink, but he'll come over to our side."

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Local Boxer Who Fought For Brit Title Dies...

[Photo byJoe Hermosillo]

By BEATLE CANTU

BROWNSVILLE, TX - In his heyday, it was said no other boxer could take a punch like Claudio "El Cocodrilo" Herrera, perhaps the greatest fighter to come out of this dusty bordertown. Herrera, a battling heavyweight, died yesterday at La Ultima Cumbia Nursing Home on East Boca Chica Boulevard.

He was 97.

Born among the reeds and brushes of the Rio Grande, Herrera was best known for his bloody, 15-round affair in Cairo, Egypt against a young Henry Cooper - the then-British heavyweight champ. Sportswriters of the time called the fight "The Dusting in The Desert." The year was 1965 and Herrera was a ripe 52 years old, the oldest man to challenge for the English title. He lost to the brawler Cooper in a split decision. It would be his next to last fight, as Herrera also was clobbered the following year by a very young George Foreman in a fight held at the Astrodome in Houston.

"My biggest day was being interviewed by Howard Cosell," Herrera told a reporter for Sports Illustrated in 1988. "He kept calling me Claudius and referring to some Roman bullshit for some damned reason, but it was cool. I have only one regret - fighting Ali. I would've killed him, and he knows it." Herrera's professional boxing record ended with 212 wins and seven losses. He was undefeated in the Rio Grande Valley and in Mexico

Herrera married the Hollywood actress Mamie Van Vooren, who later divorced him during a losing streak and then married the baseball player Bo Belinsky of the then-Los Angeles Angels and no-hit fame.

He is survived by his wife, Fela "La Llave" Infante - an accomplished wrestler in her own right...

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[Editor's Note: Writer Beatle Cantu covers boxing for the Herald-Tribune. He is a native of Argentina...]

No Brownsville Lad in This Year's NFL Draft

By LaCandrelle Jefferson

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Savvy oddsmakers in Las Vegas and London are betting former Porter High School QB Billy Garza will not be selected by any team in next month's National Football League draft. Garza, who signed out of high school with the University of Illinois and later transferred to lowly Texas A& M-Kingsville, is not on the radar screen for pro scouts.

"He should've stayed at Illinois and competed for the starting job," said a scout for the Dallas Cowboys. Garza set some passing records at the smaller school, but failed to draw the attention of any pro agents.

In Brownsville, Garza's career has been ballyhooed by non-offending blogger Juan Montoya and no one else. ElRrunRRun.com has not mentioned Garza's draft status, however, and likely never will.

"There has never been an NFL player from Brownsville," said a former editor for The Brownsville Herald. "They just don't have the skills around here. Garza may as well look to Arena football, if that. The NFL is a tall mountain and our players down here are usually short and squatty, easily blocked and tackled by the tougher, bigger boys who play elsewhere."

Added Max Maxwell, who writes for ElRocinante.com: "You could get Vince Lombardi to coach kids around here and even Vince would fail. It's just a hobby here, a flirtation that excites with every season and eventually disappoints. You can bet on local football players ending up as convenience store clerks. It happens."

The top quarterbacks in this year's NFL draft are Colt McCoy of the Texas Longhorns and Sam Bradford of the University of Oklahoma.

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Brownsville Courts Spring Breakers

By RON MEXICO

Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - In an effort to attract the expected hordes of college students descending on nearby South Padre Island for Spring Break, the City of Brownsville is promoting its poor Southmost neighborhood as something "just about as good as being in Mexico." This comes one day after officials with the state's Department of Public Safety issued warnings to vacationing students interested in going to neighboring Matamoros, Mexico, where life is cheap and gunfire comes from one second to the next.

"It's just creative marketing," said a city tourism official who requested anonymity. "We don't mean anything by it. Southmost is just, well, a unique part of Brownsville. Where else can you see a two-tone 1957 Chevy, or women in pigtails and tire-sole huaraches, or homes in bright colors? Huh, where else?"

Ongoing warfare between rival drug gangs in Mexico has all but stopped travel by Americans into the once-electric Mexican bordertown. Gone are the long, long nights for animals at the fabled disco Blanca White's. It's a new criminal dawn in Mexico.

Still, not many locals are happy with the city's plan to dress-up Southmost in a distinctive Mexico way. "Planting taco stands in every corner is a bit much," said Southmost resident Eliud "El Otro" Hernandez. "And I'm sure hiring portly, unemployed Mexicans to play abusive soldiers will not go down well with my neighbors. It's another lame-brain idea born in the air-conditioned bunkers of City Hall, where those dreaming up this bullshit have nothing better to do."

The brochures, went the rumor, were being circulated in college campuses upstate.

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DP-M Again Named Most Interesting Man

[Photo by Ricardo Klement]

By LAURA ANAIS MARTINEZ

Special to the Herald-Tribune

BROWNSVILLE, TX - A thoroughly stunned DP-M is expressing disbelief at once again being named this city's Most Interesting Man. "I am humbled and amazed," he said from Berlin, where he visited with descendants of Eva Braun and Adolf Hitler as part of a Catholic Church retreat.

The wandering performance artist edged out locals Carlos "The Jackal" Cascos, the county judge, and Gino "La Mula" Barbosa, a little-known drug dealer. The mop-topped DP-M is shown in photo accompanying this story chatting earlier this year in Dresden with Helga Braun and Brian Hitler, daughter of Eva and son of Adolf.

Some 44,000 Brownsville men submitted their candidacy for Most Interesting Man in Town, said officials overseeing the assignation. A parade for DP-M is scheduled to be held during Final Four weekend. That, said scheduling personnel, will be followed by a Ramon Ayala concert in Southmost hosted by El Rrun Rrun blogger Juan "El Jonron" Montoya.

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El Rocinante Editor Spotted in Matamoros

By MONA MONTANA
Staff Writer

BROWNSVILLE, TX - Sources close to this reporter say Dr. G.F. McHale-Scully, editor of the sensationalist Blog El Rocinante, has checked himself into the Hospital Del Seguro Social, Nu. 2754 in Matamoros for treatment of a rare flu.

"He's here," said hospital spokesman Rogelio "El Pastel" Montiel Montiel. "Came in last night under heavy guard. We thought it was Bob Dylan with him, but it turned out to be his loyal sidekick Juan "El Rrun Rrun" Montoya."

McHale-Scully, said to be the city's social conscience, has been missing in blogging action since last Tuesday's elections, when his BFF Tad Hasse was whipped mercilessly at the polls by incumbent David A. Betancourt in the contest for County Treasurer. "Jerry is like the best of sports aficionados," said Brownsville pop psychologist Criselda "La Cama" Guajardo. "He takes defeat of his favorites especially hard. You should have seen him when Ana Nicole Smith died. He said he had nightmares of not ever seeing her breasts again."

This morning, visitors to El Rocinante's office were greeted by a pair of black roses hanging from the edges of the rusted mailbox's slot.

It was not known whether Hasse had rallied to McHale-Scully's side during the editor's battle with the unknown virus. Hospital officials said McHale-Scully is being treated in the same ward where Matamoros marimba legend Rigo Tovar spent his last hours on Earth. A nurse on the floor added this, in a whisper of course: "He's doing the best that he can. But I've got to admit it's getting better. It's getting better all the time."

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