BREAKING NEWS: Toni Chapa Deported...Here Today, Gone Today...

By RICARDO KLEMENT
Staff Writer

SAN BENITO, Texas - Federal authorities have arrested Tribune freelancer Toni Chapa and charged her with sneaking into the country under false pretenses. The arrest came at dawn this morning and took place at Chapa's small apartment atop a local tire repair shop. "We got a tip from a blogger," said an arresting officer. "We expect to use this as an example of how we won't tolerate miscreants coming to our country. Toni Chapa is being held in solitary confinement. Yes, we are afraid suicide is a possibility in this case."

Toni Chapa, no relation to Tony Romo, had recently agreed to submit stories to The Tribune. Its editor, Patrick Alcatraz, issued a statement that read, in part: "We were given assurances by Toni that she was a U.S. citizen, and we had no reason to doubt her. In fact, she vigorously claimed to have served in the military. This is a sad day for the Chapa family, this being the Holiday Season and all."

The height-challenged Chapa, shown in photo at right, told authorities she is a native of Guatemala, where she received a high school education and worked part-time as a teacher's aide and school custodian.

"We never did see any of her writing," added Alcatraz, "...so we don't know if she could spell or string coherent sentences together. I suppose we'll never know."

Immigration officials combed the neighborhood where Chapa was residing, hoping to find evidence of her plot to assimilate, to blend in with the citizenry by doing things that would make her appear to be an American. "There is some evidence that Chapa was starting a Blog," said an official. "We have shut down the domain, however. It was to be called MyChapaNews.com, and it would have been the sort of Blog that covers local politics and government. And, yes, it'll never fly."

A woman also detained in the neighborhood was seen bawling as the no-nonsense feds dragged Chapa away. There was no word of a budding romance between the two women, however. A chimp-faced, heavyset transient was also detained after officers found him "lapping up" to Chapa while she was typing a story onto her would-be Blog. His name was not released to the press, although a nosey resident of the area said it was "something like Cake, or Fake, or Rake, or Take, or Wake."

Authorities noted that Chapa wore crotch-less panties when arrested and that the man at her side was wearing a horse bridle and leather mask when officers entered the room. "You could say there were a few sex toys in there," said another officer, laughing. "Someone was having somekind of fun. Ha ha ha ha ha. No, I have no idea which one of the two was the bitch. Heh, heh, heh."

As a story, the arrest of Chapa and likely deportation looms as the story of the month.

The Tribune immediately distanced itself from Chapa.

"We won't be fooled again," said Editor Alcatraz. "Lamentably, this definitely is our Chappaquiddick..."

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