Kickin' It: How Valley Women Never Learned The Art of Sex...The Sack Is Too Damned Lonely Party...

"Any man less than 6 inches long should be forced to undergo castration. His tool is useless..." - Local Woman

By RUDOLF VON BULOW
Special to The Tribune

HARLINGEN, Texas - My ancestors used to tell me I was wasting my time with women other than Italian lovelies. Well, they were right. Italian women not only know how to please a man, but they also know how to please themselves, and that, sometimes, is the so-called sparkler in the sack. You get a woman who knows her bed and you have a real woman. The women I have met in the Valley seem to think that they are mere masa to be rolled, spread and baked. They simply do not know how much more pleasure they could be having. Worse yet, they seem to not care.

My survey of some three dozen women leads me to conclude that making love in the Valley is just another thing to do. Left out of the naked equation is the playfulness you see in Italian women. My question is this: Is it the fault of Valley women, or is it the fault of their men, all, to a man, mount-ride-and-dismount dudes? That is the question of the ages around here. As things stand, it is a miracle that Valley women could ever recognize real love. Do the men want it that way? If they do, they are only limiting their own sexual experiences. I like to spend hours with a naked woman, doing the Around-The-World thing, the toe thing, the Japanese beads thing, the finger thing, the fist thing, the elongated thrusting, the ejaculation stall, the mouthing, the face workout. Most of the aforementioned apparently is news to local women.

Is it the strong connection with the Catholic Church that has them ignoring the essence of what it is to be a woman? Well, let me say this: A woman is to be fucked so that she stays fucked. As soon as Valley women get that, well, that is when they will free themselves of ancient religions bonds. The Holiday Season, cold & fuzzy nights, is the perfect time to experiment with your mate in bed. Ditch the jammies and walk in nude, body hair brushed-out and thrown to the winds, breasts in sexy danglings, lips at the ready. It'll spark fireworks the county fire department cannot prohibit. Hair is sexy, so ruffle it up. And use sexual lingo. It is okay to climb onto the bed and say, no scream, "Fuck me, you high-throated sonofabitch!"

It will liberate you.

I, myself, love to fall off the bed while making love. It makes me laugh and then it makes me hornier. I have been known to ball for long hours, my stroke feeling, first, like a goddamned piston, and then like a soft banana, it's mid-torso recipient speaking to me in neat splishings. I hear a soft moaning and I know the act has been consummated. It is that moan finale that is missing in Valley women. What I get is - yeah! - nothing. Nothing. The woman merely there, ready to get up and go clean-up.

I say go all the fuck out. Get with it as if horse & mare. Beat it, whip it, rip it and stroke it until you can do it no more. And don't worry about a woman's vagina. It'll be as good as new after a washing...

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