New Dwarf Blogger Hits Town And Promises To Unfurl Harlingen's Gluteal Folds...He's Tanned, Rested and Ready...

By RICARDO KLEMENT
Staff Writer

HARLINGEN, Texas - A loud and annoying dwarf who recently moved to this Mid-Valley community is causing strange ripples across the entire spectrum of local life. New Blogger Chap Chapman, shown in photo above, is the latest overnight sensation in a night that has gone-on seemingly forever here. Chap promises to specialize in bad grammar, childish petulance and self-promotion.

"Chap is my name and crying like a little girl is my game," he told this reporter from down around my knees.

In a ranging, no-holds-barred interview at a local McDonald's playground, Chap said he stands just under 5-foot tall, has no birth certificate and is not an American. "Haven't served in the military, either," he went on while licking an ice cream cone. "But I'm a player in town. People respect and fear me. I've got people covering things for me, like at City Hall and at political gatherings (see photo of his boys). I am the best blogger in Harlingen, the number one."

Chap claims to have skipped college in favor of a job and acknowledges that he is oblivious to the rules of English grammar. "For me, a comma is a bed," he said, laughing from the bottom of his little lungs. "Get it. A comma is a bed. I'm bilingual, which blogger Jerry Deal can never claim."

The operator of a blog called MyChapsterNews.com, Chap promises to expose wrongdoing his secret corps of news soldiers bring him. "I have people inside the police department who give me all my scoops," he added. "I know where the skeletons are in this town."

Asked about other local Blogs, Chap said, "Jerry Deal's MyLeaderNews.com ain't no competition. I don't compete with him. Why? Because I'm not a newsman. I am fluent in the lingo of the streets. I can talk with Pachucos. Deal is too sheltered. He would run from a Pachuco."

About The Tribune, Chap said, "I can never understand their stories. What's the point of using big words in the Valley. The Tribune would have to dumb-down its offerings for me to get it. I have a dictionary, but it's on the top shelf and my ladder broke last week, so I can't get to it. I don't read The Tribune unless one of my grandkids is in the house and can read it to me."

We asked The Chapster if he would be allowing reader comments, as do other blogs in town, and he said, "Comments are for queers. Why in Tom Thumb's name do I need someone commenting on my stories! My stories will kick ass. Comments? Screw you. Are we done here? Hey, tell that cat to bring back my sweater. Hey, lady, those aren't your baby's shoes!"

Shortly after Chap began chasing a woman who had taken his little shoes by mistake, the manager of the Kiddie Playground at the McDonald's, where we met for this interview, arrived to take Chap by the hand and walk him outside.

"No one older than 11 is allowed in our playground, mister," Chap was told. "You gotta problem with that?"

Chap held his ground and tugged at his little belt that held his little pants around his chubby, little waist.

"I'm gonna write about this cheap-ass joint!" he screamed at the manager. "And just for that, you can forget about running an Ad in my blog. I've got friends in high places, higher than my height. You ever hear of John Wood, Mister?"

As I departed the scene, I could see Chap getting angrier by the second as the taller manager waved him off the property...

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[Editor's Note:...Any similarity between our subject, Chap Chapman, and any other local Blogger is strictly coincidental. Readers should also not read anything into our story's angle or phraseology. Chap Chapman tells us he is a Mexican national and the offspring of a Mexican mother who dabbled in pro wrestling and a black father whose principal interest was living off wrestlers. We fully expect his Blog to succeed, as is our wish for all other RGVofTexas Blogs...]