By KERMIT PEREZ
Tribune Party Beat Writer
McALLEN, Texas - The phone call came at a particularly bad time. I was shaving my goatee into shape when I noticed my editor's name on the cellphone's caller ID: Patrick Alcatraz calling at dawn was not good news. I set my razor down, next to my expensive bar of face soap, there next to my $100 toothbrush, and inhaled as deeply as I could inhale. Jesus, was I being fired already? This was my first week on the job at The Tribune and I'd been busting my tail researching my first story.
What could Patrick possibly want?
Kermit Perez doesn't just bed any woman. No, sir. They have to have brains, for one.
Anyway, I sat heavy on my King-size bed and lifted my leg to begin sliding into my Jordache jeans. They don't make these anymore, so I get them from the European black markets. $700 a pair, yessireeee. My laptop is on the glass dining table, there under the light of my large plasma wall TV and a yooooooge picture window that gives me a panoramic view of Business 83 just west of Main Street here. My job description says I do the party stories.
The goal is to check out as many area parties as possible. That's what my editor told me when he hired me for this gig. Said he didn't want to see recycled club notes or newspaper reviews. Said he wanted the skinny on the skinny and the fat on the fat. Of course, the Valley has plenty of skinny and fat chicks, so...
Harlingen is on the itinerary, as is Brownsville. We'll see which one holds my attention. I hear Harlingen chicks like to do the Limbo (not your grandfather's limbo, btw) and Brownsville ladies chase the Funky Chicken. Looking forward to hitting the 14th Street cantinas in Brownsville, although I'd hate to have anyone vandalize my new Beamer. And it's been years since I've partied with rough-hewn women. Still, it's my job. I dive in, as Lloyd Bridges used to say on Seahunt.
Hang on a sec. There's another call from Alcatraz...
- 30 -
[EDITOR'S NOTE: Writer Kermit Perez was born on a bed of cold cuts in Houston the same year the Dallas Cowboys began playing football. He's a cultured man with an extraordinary ego, and he is a bachelor, although he tells us he's rarely alone after dark. This is his first report for The Tribune...]
8 comments:
Patrick, what is wrong with that arrogant man, Kermit, you must be desperate if you are hitting the cantinuchas on 14th. Street in Brownsville.
In Harlingen, try Medussas, on Fridays, or Saturday, try wild bill honky tonk. Plenty of dampsells.
Just for your info, I wouldn't be driving a beamer to las cantinas in Brownsville, you just might not find it, after a night of drinking.
sandman.
The gall of Kermit Perez, Mr. Kermit, go to some of the cheap places in Brownsville and you might be walking out naked.
$700.00 pair of jeans and a BMW. Wow, better be carefull, you might be taken by the cartel.
Let me suggest something, you better, write better stories, Alcatraz is kind of illed temper, when his staff write unsavory articles.
Free advice, you might have to sell your pants, to pay the rent.
And don't be too hard on the locals, your editor, already takes care of that detail.
sofia
Easy girl...Kermit Perez, I will admit he is kind of mean looking and likes to show a little. You don't really think he is going to sell his pants to pay the rent. Do you???
Well maybe the BMW, hey he sounds like he is living of the high hog.
So Sofy, where do buy your threads, Marshals or Kohl's, just wondering!!!
Adam
Sandman, Sofia & Adam:...There is a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Kermit Perez has been around and learned the ways of the upper crust. Why begrudge him? Plus, he's a great joke-teller, and, in the Valley, that is a rare talent... - Editor
Adam, what kind of gentleman are you?? First and foremost, that is a silly question. You never ask woman, her age, her weight, or where she buys her attire.
Excuse me, like Kermit, I like the good things in life, I don't drive a BMW, but I do drve a 2010 Lincoln.
I know, it's hard for men to recognize women in South Texas that do well, very well, I might add.
I still say, $700.00 Jeans is kind of pricey, but what the hell, if you can afford it, why not.
It is just the way Kermit throws his comments around, that makes him a little arrogant.
Alcatraz, says he is confident. Okay, will concede the point. He knows him better that we.
So Adam, where do you buy your threads, toys or us. {S}
Who said, Adam 12 was a gentleman. He sounds like a man, who was mistreated by his wife, movida, or a smart woman.
Adam 12, get a life. Maybe, find yourself a job. And pleae don't tell me you are like Kermit, high maintanence.
Maybe a Mervin's man, low maintanence.
Hey people, look, there is nothing wrong having a man or woman flaunting their good fortunes.
Absolutely, nothing wrong, we all should be proud, people do well here in South Texas.
Mr. Kermit Perez, just happens to do it voicerfous.
He looks like a man from the hitler area. Or a Republican during the Bush era.
Kermit Perez looks like one of your former writers, name Klement. He sure like him.
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